It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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