he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
