dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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