she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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