I skipped work to stalk him.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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