cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Let's get the cat blown out
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
