I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
