the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
it's like heaven, but drunker
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I deserve this hangover.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
