fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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