i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
