so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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