Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
