I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
