So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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