toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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