Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just high enough for therapy.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
