I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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