God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize