dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
