i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
