Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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