The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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