gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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