the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
