i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize