my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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