Life is so much better after having sex.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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