Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
