I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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