a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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