Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
