These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
