so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
