It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
