I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
