Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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