you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
