I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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