i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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