Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
