If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
