if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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