does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
