Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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