Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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