I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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