I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
