He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
