he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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