I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
