i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
