I want to make a zoo with you.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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