highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
