Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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