i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
someone owes me an orgasm
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
