I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize