Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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