Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
