my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
