Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
