theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
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