I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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