Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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