Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
someone threw a dead crab at me
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
