Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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