Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
